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Humor
Gary Freeman'50
gfreeman3@bak.rr.com
Note: New email address.11-7-08
6-14-13
Forest Gump
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though,
that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is
short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam.
I sure hope the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.'
St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
First:
What two days of
the week begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds
are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's
first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says,
'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one
is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point,
and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with
twelve seconds in a year ?
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve:
January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it, interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what
I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me
God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter. Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers
to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
You are going to love this …..
'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,'
Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
Lord,
Give me a sense of humor
Give me the
ability to understand a clean joke,
5-31-13 Subject: the importance of walking
The Importance of walking
Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at $4,000 per month.
My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we have no idea where the hell he is.
***********************************
I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.
The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
***************************************************
I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...
Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.
I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.
********************************************
The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'
If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.
**************************************
I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.
We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
**************************************
Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.
5-16-13
4-18-13
Forgetter Be Forgotten?
My forgetter's getting better,
But my rememberer is broke
To you that may seem funny
But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering
If I really should be 'there'
And, when I try to think it through,
I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room,
Say 'what am I here for?'
I wrack my brain, but all in vain!
A zero, is my score.
At times I put something away
Where it is safe, but, Gee!
The person it is safest from
Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone,
Say 'Hi' and have a chat,
Then, when the person walks away
I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?
Yes, my forgetter's getting better
While my rememberer is broke,
And it's driving me plumb crazy
And that isn't any joke.
CAN YOU RELATE???
I DON'T REMEMBER
WHO I SENTTHIS TO!
Gotta love us seniors
Who says senior citizens
don't wear stylish clothes. Hah!!
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be
put in an old age home?" "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a
bucket to the person to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the
bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON … OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
A short neurological test
1- Find the C below. Please do not use any cursor help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests,
you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist.
Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.
A LITTLE GASOLINE HUMOR.......
----- End forwarded message -----
The logic is impeccable!
?
Ever had days like these???If not, you haven't had a computer long enough.
Be well, stay safe, and SMILE (it makes your face feel good), and if smiles are good, laughs are even better.
It's been said, "You don't stop laughing when you die, you die when you stop laughing!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
O.M.G., I'm rich!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
And
an inexhaustible supply of Natural Gas.
I never thought I'd accumulate such wealth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
